Younus: Duh & Nuh-uhh

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010

More on School

There's something really nice about being older and in school. Even in law school, I'd focus intently on my text (like everyone else) whenever the prof would get ready to pick the next victim for the socratic-method-exchange of case studies. While these days I find it hard pressed to find anyone who buys it, I really am, at the core, a rather shy person. So all through school, I would dread being called on.

Now, I just don't care. If I sound stupid, I'm certain there will be someone else who will sound even more stupid on another day. I have a kid. And I'm just so thrilled to be doing something that's not all about diaper changes, or cleaning up, or nose-wiping, or trying to rack my brain for activities that are fun for the little one, but not too much of a logistical nightmare for me. After one's been pooped on and peed on, one just doesn't care about illusory classroom humiliations.

Also, while I was growing up, my Dad was forever bellowing his favorite phrase about education to me: "NOW is the MOST IMPORTANT time in your life!" I heard it in kindergarten, grammar school, junior high, high school, college, and in law school. I didn't realize it quite so much at the time, but unsurprisingly, it had a way of creating too much emotional pressure and angst. With my current endeavor, I'm hoping that I'll leisurely (part-time) finish up in about 2 years and with an improved economy, my specialized tax degree will translate into a job within a reasonable commuting distance from home. But if it doesn't. It doesn't. And this all will have been a rather exotic self-enrichment program. While that would not be the ideal outcome, I certainly don't have the "NOW is the MOST IMPORTANT time" urgency weighing down my psyche.

So I am determined to enjoy it. I absolutely plan on being a nerd about it. But I'm going to savor my nerd-dom. Yes. I sit in the front row. Yes. I participate regularly in class discussion. And yes. I do some unassigned problems from the text because I find it . . . fun.

Tax law probably is not everybody's cup of tea, but there are lots of reasons why it can be interesting. Plus, I can really get on board with it as a practitioner from either side of it. With immigration law (which actually has a lot of similarities with tax law -- so it's no surprise to me that I find both appealing), I felt conflicted on either side of it. I couldn't quite contemplate it from a private practitioner's point of view, because as a rule follower, I don't think I could passionately advocate on behalf of clients, who in all likelihood, broke some sort of immigration law. On the other hand, with the government side, I would sometimes feel like we were devoting too many resources to an ineffective system.

With tax law, I could definitely get on board the government side of things: why should anyone get away with evading tax when everybody else has to pay? But even on the taxpayer side, since Congress made the code so complex, full of holes and ambiguity, it is meant to be a bit of a game. Congress didn't have to opt for that kind of system, but it did. Since it's a game by design, I could get on board to let someone try to play it better. But if I got to choose, I probably would get on the government side with more relish.

MONDAY, AUGUST 23, 2010

First Day

First day of class. A rite of passage that I thought I had long left behind me. But here I am.

Book bag. Check.

New textbooks. Check. (I bought 4 books for - get this - $417! Unconscionable).

Homework. Check.

Laptop. Check.

Shopping for school supplies. Check. (It was pretty fun).

Now, do I scope out a seat in the front row? My vision hasn't quite stabilized from the eye surgery, so I probably should, but I don't really want to. I'm not THAT nerdy.

MONDAY, AUGUST 09, 2010

Hello Blog

I must be made for cold climates. I forget what the actual name of the condition is, but some people need to have these artificial lights in climates where you don't get much sun. Otherwise, they get depressed. I think sunny, warm, summer weather has the same effect on me. I suppose it could be just coincidence that upsetting events occur at the beginning of summer, spiraling me into a period of deep funk for the rest of the season.

Anyway, I've spent all of June and July in a funk. I decided to take a break from church for the summer. It's been a long time coming. I probably will take the rest of the calendar year off. Perhaps even the following spring into next summer. I also largely took a break from my mom's group during the past few months. Not only did I not write in my blog, I thought about deleting the whole thing. The Best Friend when I told her I was about to delete, suggested that I just take a little break. I'm such a black and white girl, I immediately thought about deleting and taking a break didn't even occur to me as an option. But of course, now that I am climbing out of my funk, I'm glad that I didn't. So after some hermit like period of not seeing people, not praying, and not even sharing my thoughts on the internet, I did some things to pull myself out of the funk.

First, I joined a gym. The initial appeal was that they had a gorgeous outdoor pool that the family could enjoy during the summer. And we have gone to the pool enough to make it worthwhile. I've never belonged to a gym before. But after trying out the cardio equipment, lifting some weights on my own, and swimming laps in the indoor pool, I've found that I love the group exercise classes. The nerd in me responds very positively to having some sort of "teacher" up in front. I find that despite knowing that it's ridiculous, I push myself harder. After weeks of working out for at least 2 hours a day, I have lost an uninspiring half a pound. But "pregnancy plus twenty", here I come. I figure something has got to give eventually.

Second, I am going back to school. I decided to get a tax LLM. It's likely that I could practice law more easily as a tax specialist than as an immigration specialist in these parts. I was surprised that I could apply during the summer and things moved quickly enough to start taking classes for the fall semester, which will start in less than 2 weeks. Since I'll be going part time, the program should take me 1.5 to 2 years to complete, instead of the the usual year. Hopefully, the economy will be a little better by the time I finish.

I must be feeling better. Less funky. Except for in all the dance-based exercise classes -- hee. And maybe that will translate to regular blog posts again.

FRIDAY, JUNE 04, 2010

A Confession

I went to see a psychic yesterday. I paid a $100 for the privilege. I think I've talked about my inclination for shamanism, fortune-telling, and the like. But yesterday, I had a bit of a personal crisis. The Other J, probably more sensibly and more productively, talked to our pastor and then followed up with a chat with an old med school buddy. I guess I wanted a feeling of connecting to the spiritual somehow too. But I didn't want to talk to my pastor. Or anybody else from my church for that matter -- simply didn't have the stomach for it. And it saddens me that I am so little invested in my little faith community here that I couldn't come up with one person that I really wanted to talk to. And I know that anything that came out from the mouth of the psychic was hooey. But I blubbered through the session anyway. And oddly, it was enough.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19, 2010

Longing

I have the music bug again, so says the Other J. I go through phases now and again. Of course, I played flute all through middle and high schools, but it was a joyless process. Out of sheer will and practice, I endeavored in becoming a somewhat accomplished flautist. However, I always seemed to want an alternative musical outlet. In one of my earlier ones, I convinced my parents to buy me a guitar and made painstakingly slow progress on the instrument. Then I went to college and took some guitar lessons and made some more slow progress. But at least I got to the point of being able to accompany myself singing some praise music. In that time period, I also joined an a cappella group and took part in a musical. So I got to express an inherent and undeniable performance bug aspect too.

Law school was a dry period. So were the first few years of living in DC. But eventually the bug hit again and I was presented with another outlet opportunity. Before we get into all that, however, I should say, I am no musical prodigy. Quite brutally, I don't have much musical talent at all. I have a decent voice. If being kind, one could say that it is a better than average one. But I do have musical training from all those years of flute playing. My ear is not that great either. Nonetheless, I get a level of unknown satisfaction when I'm in my "musical bug" phases. In another life, or perhaps my inner self, really beats with a bohemian heart and music is my one small outlet for it. I actually was a pretty good artist as a kid, but it had been wrung out of me for more academic pursuits. Objectively, I had much more natural talent in that area than in music, but while at least through flute I was able to somewhat cultivate whatever little talent I had in that arena, I didn't go back to art. I was never drawn to it. But perhaps it wouldn't have been as frustrating as my arc with music. I've been broken and raw because of it.

Thus the return to my sad little tale where I got to express simultaneously my music and performance bug at a church in DC. I was a part of their worship team. I started out playing guitar for them and also desperately wanted to sing too (backup vocals / harmonies). But the team decided that it needed administrative help in the form of someone who made up the schedules, kept the music and lead sheets organized, sent out new music to people, emailed, change keys and transpose, etc., etc. The worship leader at the time, was not doing these things well and at the nudging of the Other J, I accepted the task (the Other J could not take the level of chaos at the time and would have walked from the team; he was on it too). I organized and straightened things out and put the leadsheets in electronic format. It took hours of downloading from the internet or worse, hours of scanning in of hard copies from songbooks or loose pieces of paper. Transposing of keys to a more comfortable singing pitch. I did it. It was an act of will and of love? But it was certainly not life giving. I had conversations with the worship leader and told her that if I could not do things that were life giving too, I didn't think I could continue doing what I was doing. I was hearing things about how I was a problem -- not treating sensitive music people with the right touch (probably true); was an outsider coming into a group that had been together for years; etc. So the worship leader let me sing a little more and invited me to help her select the song sets for Sunday worship. But then there always would be a "personal bible study" where God would speak to her about songs and she wasn't trying to keep me from the process, blah, blah, blah, and I would smile and say that it was OK. But the truth was, I was disappointed and hurt.

And the crescendo built to a week where the worship leader and the backup worship leader couldn't lead Sunday worship. So I led worship that Sunday and it went fine. But things blew up afterwards. I don't even remember exactly why we met, but the pastor and I met on several occasions about the team and he would convey to me the ways in which I had made mistakes, my friction with the worship leader was coming to a head, and our conversations didn't really result in clear communications, but instead led to a falling out. It's been too long ago to figure things out well. But I'm sure I made mistakes. Pushing too aggressively at making things more efficient, bruising other musicians in the way, and because of the administrative role, somehow there was the air of authority and some of the team members would approach me instead of the leader to air concerns or grievances. And I don't think she liked that. There was a bit of turf war she was having in her own mind, hence her unwillingness to let me help her pick songs, and she would get pretty autocratic about wanting a certain version of a song because she was the worship leader (never mind that there were other arrangements available and it would take me lots of time to transpose and come up with new lead sheets for the version she wanted). Also, the pastor's wife was a team member and I don't think she liked my style, which she leaked to the pastor's ear. He absolutely denied it when I asked about it, but one can tell when one is not particularly liked, and I have had enough drama with the worship leader -- I had asked if I could just drop the organizing and just sing instead and she replied that she had to think about it. It was not an unreasonable response, but at the time, it sounded like a criticism about my voice (it wasn't good enough) and that if she couldn't bleed me for my administrative skills, I was no good to her.

So the Other J and I decided to go to a different church before we moved to CT. A well-meaning third party organized a meeting between all the involved parties in this sordid little mini musical/dramedy. It started with the worship leader and I not saying much. And it could have been over with that. But the organizing third party chastised us and we both started talking a lot, with little grace. I think there was more anger there than anything else and we both said things that we meant to be sheerly hurtful. I said that she and her buddies were more interested in performing rather than worshipping God and that she and I were not friends. We had spent lots of time together, but I felt like she had treated me like her personal slave and friendship doesn't usually spring from that kind of dynamic -- I didn't say that part to her, but maybe I should have.

Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore. As a side bar, I learned how to play the drums for that worship team, but never got to play with them. I am now thinking about playing the drums for the team at my new church. But I hinted and emailed both the pastor and the worship leader about the possibility on more than one occasion. And that I'd also maybe like to sing backup vocals, if needed, and would be willing to audition for one or both parts. I sent an email as recent as yesterday. But I have a feeling that I may never hear back. And I know for a fact that one of the drummers that they rely on will be moving in July.

I dunno. Maybe it's an avoidant personality thing, but I often get the feeling that pastors are a little afraid of me. That I'm a bit of a loose cannon. It stings a little. I volunteer time, energy, and other resources to every church I have ever been a part. I'm responsible, am willing to do the dirty work, but never am part of the inner circle of a pastor. That would be just fine, but the nagging and persistent feeling that they are afraid of me is a little heartbreaking. I am not even allowed to pray for people at the current church. Somebody asked me to be part of a little group who prayed for people at the end of church service. Then it was very clear that they changed how they did things and changed who may or may not pray at that time. They had several incarnations of it. And in the end, the pastor was very nice about explaining how he had changed things and that there was some miscommunication and bad timing. But ultimately, I can't help but notice that things have worked out to make sure I wouldn't be one of those people while the list has become ever more inclusive. Could be just coincidence, but it does hurt my feelings. My current pastor goes out of his way to be friendly to me and the Other J and the cynical part of me wonders if it's because they don't want to lose our tithe. This is why in churches, in my humble opinion, the staff should have absolutely no clue as to who is giving what. Otherwise, even if it's not the case, there is always the possibility that someone may think that they are being treated differently based on their giving. Why are pastors so afraid of me or awkward with me? Why? Why? Why? It's good I'm having a music bug moment. I think I'll get my guitar out and sing. The music will work it out. It's therapy; a balm to my soul.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 05, 2010

Freedom

This last trip to Korea has been deeply moving for me somehow. There seems to have been a fundamental shift in my heart and my psyche. I don't understand it.

On the surface of it, I've done exactly the same thing that I do on almost all my visits: take the one a.m. flight out to Seoul from JFK on Saturday morning; arrive at three a.m. in Incheon International on Sunday; wait until six a.m. for the limousine bus ticket office to open; take the 3 1/2 hour bus ride to Iksan; take a cab to my cousin's hospital and go hang out at my Dad's apartment with my Dad and caretaker until my cousin picks me up; sleep at my cousin's then go hang out with my Dad and caretaker (various family members will come out to meals with us or meet us while I'm visiting Dad); repeat until Friday or Saturday, depending upon when my flight is; take the super fast KTX train to Seoul and go to First Auntie's house; hang out with Aunties in Seoul and have dinner with them; sleep at First Auntie's house then take cab to Incheon 4 hours before return flight.

Really quite a boring itinerary. One that I've repeated many times. I met all the same people. Went to all the same parks. Did all the same activities. But upon my return, I couldn't shake the feeling of overwhelming gratitude that I experienced. Grateful for the time I have with my Dad, for the fact that I can take these trips twice a year, for my own little family unit, for a life that when all is said and done, is a privileged one.

The gratitude even shook me out of my self-indulgent pity about the whole in-law dynamic. While I was going through it, I never understood why I felt so compelled to make various attempts at reconciliation when they always ended up in such total disaster, leaving everyone at various corners to lick their oozing wounds. I was utterly resentful at the clarity of God's call to these various encounters, and thought all they did was cause me further humiliation and my in-laws additional pain. I was obedient in my efforts, and my efforts at reconciling with them, however flawed, were genuine. I really did try my best. But my best was really, really poor by anyone's standards in terms of execution. So poor, in fact, that I had a really hard time wrapping my mind around why any of it had happened.

But suddenly, after my trip, and the wave of gratitude, without internal wrestling, or a forgiveness regimen, or counseling, or books, or anything at all . . . I feel free. The situation is not any different. It, I believe, will always be a broken relationship. But I'm not eaten up by it anymore. I don't waste a large chunk of my spare time contemplating just how much I hate my in-laws (shameful to admit, but true). I am absolved by the knowledge that despite how poor my "best" was, I did give it a go in reconciling and it didn't happen. And it's ok. And for the first time in a long time, I feel free -- not eaten up by guilt or hatred.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

THURSDAY, APRIL 15, 2010

That Time of the Year Again

I can't believe how quickly it comes around. For the past several years, I've been flying out to Korea about twice a year to visit my Dad. Although I love seeing my Dad, I hate, hate, hate the flight. 14 hours. I find it grueling and dull. Often, I think that my life would feel totally different if only that flight was 9 or even 10 hours. I feel I measure time by 6 month increments in which I have to recover from my previous trip. Nonetheless, this is my 14th? 15th? trip out. I've accrued enough mileage on Korean Air that I can board early and use their lounge, etc. Although they are small luxuries, I'm more than happy to take advantage of them. Of course, no one told me that I achieved that status, so for a year and a half, I didn't really get to use the perks. That's ok. What's important is that I've accumulated enough miles to get a new ticket, which will come in handy during the fall trip. Yup. We're going to attempt to take the whole family again then.

I have no idea how Mr. Sinjin will do on the 14 hour flight as a toddler. Thus far, he really hasn't totally melted down during any of our travels. I would even go so far as to say that he's been a really good traveler thus far. So we'll have to see. In the meantime, I'll tell myself just how much easier the trip is this time around all by my lonesome. The freedom will be good, but I will miss my boys. And I feel bad that the Other J will have to play at being a single parent for a week.

Younus

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Duh & Nuh-uhh