TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL.
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WELFARE
A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."
"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job ssignment satisfying her ...'urges' as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, stammers, "You're bullshittin' me!".
The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."
-------------------------
WELFARE
A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."
"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job ssignment satisfying her ...'urges' as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, stammers, "You're bullshittin' me!".
The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."
FRIDAY, AUGUST 20, 2010
Today's Funny (For Trekkies)
Submitted by a cool dude at work. A little dated but still funny (for us Trekkies anyhow).
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Top 12 Things A Klingon Programmer Would Say
12. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if
Iam to do battle with this code!
10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
original Klingon.
9. Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!
8. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software'
releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers
and quality assurance people in its wake.
7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have
'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the
weak.
5. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again.
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
3. By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!
2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you
stand!
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it!
Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!
--------------------------------------------
Top 12 Things A Klingon Programmer Would Say
12. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if
Iam to do battle with this code!
10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
original Klingon.
9. Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!
8. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software'
releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers
and quality assurance people in its wake.
7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have
'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the
weak.
5. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again.
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
3. By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!
2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you
stand!
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it!
Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!
TUESDAY, AUGUST 17, 2010
In Memory of Dian Price
There are people on this planet that touch you and you do not know it. There are those that touch you that you wish did not. And there are those that touch you and somehow, profoundly, leave their mark on you forever. Dian Price's legacy will be felt for a long time. I am but a third-party observer in the grand scheme of things but the image is a lasting one. To be genuinely treated and welcomed in as family from first contact is an awesome feeling. Through her son, Dave, I've gained a friend for life that I know without hesitation that I can always count on. Through her grandchildren, especially Jennifer (whom I regard like my own daughter), I am privileged to experience their growth and triumphs in life. Through her husband of 50+ years, I get to experience the strength of love and the bond of family.
These things are immeasurable, intangible, and unimaginably precious. I appreciate having been a part, however brief, of Dian's life and can only work hard, and hope, that when my time comes to pass, I will have as many people looking favourably upon how I touched their lives.
Rest In Peace, Dian. You will be missed but you will never be forgotten.
These things are immeasurable, intangible, and unimaginably precious. I appreciate having been a part, however brief, of Dian's life and can only work hard, and hope, that when my time comes to pass, I will have as many people looking favourably upon how I touched their lives.
Rest In Peace, Dian. You will be missed but you will never be forgotten.
Today's Funny
Ouch, been a while oh poor neglected blog page.
Submitted by Tom Thumb.
------------------------------------------------
Ever wondered about Guts or Balls...?
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Submitted by Tom Thumb.
------------------------------------------------
Ever wondered about Guts or Balls...?
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
SUNDAY, MAY 23, 2010
Today`s Long Weekend Funny
Submitted by The Finn.
----------------------
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
----------------------
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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